Monday, October 28, 2013

Parenting & Endometriosis (PPD/Co-Morbid Diseases)

I read an article that inspired me to write about this topic. Not only was I not diagnosed with Endometriosis at the time but I was a single mother living with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome.

I was diagnosed with Fibro when I was 17 yrs old, so young that people would not even listen to me when I talked about. I suffered debilitating fatigue and could barely function and the body pain I experienced was so unreal that I had a hard time even explaining it to doctors because I hurt all over. I really think that because of my uncertainty is why it took 14 yrs to diagnose Endometriosis.

I became pregnant during an abusive relationship (sexually, physically and Mentally) while trying to find a pill that I wouldn't continuously bleed on. I was 23. I couldn't believe I was pregnant, I was so upset because of the circumstances I was in, how could I raise a child in this environment I was living?

The pregnancy itself for me was great as I never felt better, I was never sick, nauseated or anything however the stress from the abusive relationship was coming to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I remember sitting there after the floors had just been varnished and no one was supposed to be in there but I was there wanting to die. In my mind there was no way I could continue this relationship without my daughter being abused.

When Grace turned 5 weeks her father was mad at me for God knows what as it was all the time, that he took Grace and and slammed her on the couch. I lost my bloody mind. I called the police and they escorted me out. I left his 5 yr old son behind as there was nothing I could do for him and there would have been no way I could have helped him if I could barely help myself. He eventually stopped communication after I told him I would call the police if he ever called me again. Court ordered supervised visitation with my parents in which he never to this day followed through nor did he pay for child support.

I was completely alone, exhausted, mentally breaking down. I didn't know how much longer I would be able to cope with the Chronic illness I was suffering from and raising a child on my own with absolutely no help whatsoever.

I managed to get into subsidized housing but as soon as I went back to work the rent went up plus I had to pay for child care. To this day I have no idea how I managed at all.

From birth to age 4 I can't even remember being there mentally. It was during that time I saw this ad on TV about postpartum depression and realized that I had undiagnosed PPD that turned into Manic Depression because it was never treated. I went to the hospital told the doctor what I was going through and he gave me sleeping pills and told me to go home. He didn't even offer any services that could help me just "Go home and sleep it off".. Well lets see, I had the most spirited baby who could not be picked up, put down, held, fed etc. All she did was cry at at times slam her head down in the floor because she was frustrated. She would cry as a baby for 5 hrs straight.

At its worst moment I finally went to see my doctor at the time as I was losing my marbles literally. I was seeing demons in my room at night and I was just not sleeping enough. The doctors secretary booked me in and when I got there I realized she must have squeezed me in because of how urgently I needed to talk to him. Well he comes over to me and says "What exactly is your problem today that you have to bud in front of all these kind people?" Are you fucking kidding me? I looked at him and told him to "fuck off" and walked out and bawled all the way home. I had no one. I wanted to throw my child and then kill myself I was that messed up mentally. I even called my mother and she said to me "I had 3 kids I never had PPD either do you?" Good Lord. Why did people not want to help me?

So with all of this going on such, as going back to work, Court hearings, affording child care and rent with no other income but my own, no one to watch her ever, Fibro flares and exhaustion were really sending me over the edge not to mention I was having more migraines than ever at that time. Random too.

When my daughter was 4 I decided to do this colon cleanse as I was having such bad rectal pain and was always constipated. Well I have to say I need to thanks Colonix as that was when the pain got so intense I went to my new doctor and had an ultrasound done. There they found a 10 cm Complex cyst on my left ovary. During that time I was put on Marvelon continuously to try to "shrink" the cyst and it was night and day with my hormones. I couldn't believe how I great I felt on the pill. I couldn't have cared less of what was going on inside of me because for the first time mentally I was stable.

In 2007 at the age of 27 I was finally operated on and diagnosed with Stage IV Endometriosis.

Looking back now I feel that a lot of the mental anguish I went through was due to Endo and my hormones being whacked out. Also I really strongly believe that the Fibro I was diagnosed with was induced by the Endo and the Chronic Fatigue was actually the Endo as well.

I am at a good place in my life right now by I am still Chronically ill. I love my daughter so much and I feel that some days I have let her down so much as a mother as I can't do the things she wants me to do at times. She is a very high maintenance child and always has been. She saved my life literally. I would not be where I am today if I hadn't gone down the path I did and rose above all circumstances if she wasn't in my life.

So although there has been some really crappy days the good ones outweigh the bad. She understands the spoon theory and she gets when I am tired. She is 10 yrs old now and I am not sure what she will think of me when she is older but she definitely has empathy since she has seen me go through such low times.

Living in Chronic pain with co-morbid diseases and having a child is an incredibly hard time and I did it alone so I wouldn't know if you had someone helping you if it would make a difference. All I know is that I made it and I am glad I didn't take my life or hers and that I can look back and see how very far I have come.

Would I do this again? Hell no.

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