Thursday, May 10, 2018

Happy 4th Hysteversary!

It has been a long crazy ass ride to be where I am at today since my Hysterectomy May 9th 2014. 

The hardest part about my hysterectomy was that I didn't considering the mental health aspect. Before going into surgery I knew that my chances of relief was 50/50 and if it got worse it would be really bad. I took that chance anyways because it was destroying my quality of life and my doctor (s) kept making me think it was all in my head and I was just so done trying to prove the disease was there in order for them to believe me. It was utterly exhausting especially since I already had a diagnoses. I just can't understand the circles they put us through in order to save face. I would have been happy to have a doctor admit that there is nothing more than can do than tell me that I am looking for a problem when there is no problem. 

There has been some pro's and con's and it is fair say they are equal. 

The mental aspect of surgical menopause is what destroyed me the most. I could not get out of this crazy never ending psychosis (that is what I call it) They were the most darkest days of my entire life and I have been through a lot in my life besides having Endometriosis and nothing compared to what I went through the last four years. I felt like was going to be trapped in that mental state forever. I stop talking to anyone around me and stopped even cooking half of the time for my daughter. I mentally did not know if I was coming or going all I knew was that I was not well. 

I was in a bad car accident December 23rd 2016. I was hit at high impact on the highway driving to work and when I pulled over to the side of the road another car clipped my mirror causing me to panic. I was stuck in a crisis state for almost a year because of this accident. It also knocked me out of whatever psychosis or disassociated state I was in. Funny enough the accident was my saving grace. 

I have spent the last two years focusing on getting better mentally and physically. Things are finally going well and I have an appointment with a new family doctor close to my house so I am hoping that she doesn't mess around with the medications that I am on. The reason I haven't left the doctor I am with now is because she will give me 3 months worth of meds at a time with three refills. As a chronic pain patient you need that or you become stressed thinking that you are going to run out, or maybe that is just me. 

So now that I am clear headed and it has been four years  I now need to address the bowel and bladder symptoms I am having. My bowels were fine up until this last year. There has to be some scar tissue in the recto-vaginal area as well as bladder. My bladder is done and does not like me at all. When I bend over I pee, when I walk I pee,when I lie on my stomach I pee. I was on a catheter for 11 days after my surgery because I had problems urinating after surgery and it is worse now. 

I decided that it was more important to deal with my mental health and jaw before embarking on this Endo journey again and now that I have done that, its time for me to move forward. I can't go back to my original surgeon because of how he treated me before and after my surgeries and because I am still healing from the medical neglect aspect which brought on PTSD symptoms.

I have a referral to see a new surgeon in Toronto so I am hoping he can help with something other than surgery to relax my pelvic floor and to help fix my bladder. I need someone that is going to listen and not dismiss me and this is where it all starts doesn't it? The fear of rejection, the ridicule or just outright abuse from doctors. I don't think mentally I could take anymore of that so I cross my fingers and hope for the best and try to calm the fear I have of doctors. 

I thought I was prepared for this hysterectomy but I know now that I wasn't. I don't miss having a period at all, or the pain that comes along with that. I don't miss the pain meds that I had to take in order to stop the pain from coming or handfuls of aleve, and I don't miss all the disease that was growing inside of me. I miss my nice skin that I used to have, now my skin looks aged by 10-20 years and I have started to get brown spots on my face, I assume they are aging spots. I miss the body I had before my first endo surgery in 2007 because it didn't come with this hysterectomy tire around my waist which is a bitch to lose. I don't miss not being able to have children because mentally there is no way I could take care of another child because it is all just too much. It makes me sad for anyone that I date in my life because I can't give that to them. The sound of babies still trigger anxiety and panic so I am thinking not having to go through that again will help me recover from that too. 

I don't miss advocating but I do miss helping others out because I am still that same person that would help anyone get the treatment they needed and deserved. There will never be a time where I would advocate full time like I was because I take everything personally and get ticked off when people don't listen when you are trying to help them. I also don't miss the cat fighting and bickering in the endometriosis community which has left us looking like hysterical women. I also don't miss the doctors who all claim they are the best but don't actually help us get anywhere and just want kick backs and fame. There is a lot that I don't miss.  

Every time I think this journey is over I am smacked back to reality that I am never going to be rid of this horrific disease. The one thing that helped me was to accept everything about this disease especially by body. I accepted the battered, scarred and distorted body that this disease left me with because that was the only way I was going to be able to move forward. I decided that not only do I have to accept it but let it go because you only get this one life to live and I don't want to spend it living in misery or bitterness and worrying about something so superficial as this tire around my waist. 

I leveled up instead and I started to eat whole foods at the beginning of the year as part of my 2018 goal to lose 40 lbs. I really have been doing well (lost 23 lbs so far) but like others diet doesn't change the way I feel physically but it helps mentally knowing that I can lose this weight if I really tried and pushed through the pain. My goal this year isn't to get toned it is to love myself and nourish myself and to stop self sabotaging and hating myself. It is funny how a disease can totally take hold of you entirely. 

I now stop to notice everything and everyone and I am hyper aware of all that goes on around me and I am grateful for each day that I am alive and able to have one more day on this earth. This disease may have stolen decades of my life but I am not allowing that to happen anymore. 

Lets hope one day a cure is found but until that time don't let this disease own you it is the worst thing you can do.