Thursday, April 24, 2014

Keeping it real Thursday :)

I have to say I have spent years feeling sorry for myself as I felt no one cared about or understood what I was going through. I blamed my parents for not protecting me, my jobs for the added stress that tore apart my body and anyone who came into my path that felt I could be used as their punching bag. 

It is not like I have had an epiphany or anything because I have tried to work on "ME" but still focusing on others that have hurt me. I have a hard time letting go of the pain because it doesn't seem to stop. 

I decided 2 yrs ago that no one would steal my joy ever again. That I would stand up for myself and would not be bullied or victimized because of who I am. I am an amazing human being and loving myself is one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. 

I am that much closer to finding my inner child and starting over. I don't want to live my life the way I have in self pity, it is not worth it and it has stolen 24 yrs of my life and now is the time I step up and be the person I have been called to be. I don't know what exactly my purpose in life is but I know there is one its just a matter of me being still, listening and waiting for that door to open to show me what I have missed for all of these years and what I can offer this world. 

I quit smoking over 2 weeks ago and I don't plan to go back and I am focusing on my mind, body and soul and plan to learn more about Buddhism to learn inner peace. My radical hysterectomy is in 15 days. My life will forever change on that day. It is closure for me mentally and I am going to not look back at what Endometriosis has done to my life. I am a survivor, a warrior and a lifetime advocate for this disease but I can't let it control me the way it has especially the last 5 yrs of my life.  I let this disease control my thoughts, the medication control my life and the mental aspects to destroy who I am as a person. 

I love all the endosisters I have met throughout the last 2 yrs it has made me realize that I need to stand up and move on with my life and not dwell on the pain or past. I need to take baby steps and move forward in pain or not and just live. 


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Will this give me the closure I am looking for? #Endometriosis #hysterectomy

The time is drawing closer to my radical hysterectomy. I am nervous yet happy that this time has finally come and that I can finally have closure mentally. 

People ask me why I am having one if it doesn't cure Endometriosis and if you walked in my shoes you would understand why. So you have an idea of what I have been through we have to go back to the second period I got at age 13, that is when the pain started and when the visits to the doctors office started. 

By the time of diagnoses at 27 yrs old I had already seen over 40+ doctors and had every test known to man. During that time I was made to feel like a total idiot, failure, attention seeker, hypochondriac and in the end depression came in full blown and would stay with me until this day. I went through so much emotional trauma alone with no help from anyone and with no one understanding what I was going through. I wanted to die every day because I just couldn't take one more test, one more negative test when it was clear something was wrong. I had to take so much time off work for so many appointments and that meant not getting paid or being shunned because people couldn't understand that I needed to find out what was wrong. I was told to get over it and that nothing was wrong with me and those words cut like a knife. 

It took 14 yrs to diagnose and because of that the disease really took on a life of its own destroying major organs and I just have not been able to cope with this disease mentally because of what I was put through and what I am still going through just for people to understand this disease. Its tiring to explain and people still look at you like "Its just a period" RRRRRR!!!

So in order for me to be at peace with my mind and to not be put through any more tests and doctors I have chosen to remove it all. I want it all out. I am done with this disease and all my girlie parts. 

I know in the end it will not cure me but I will have one of the best surgeons doing this and removing the endo at the same time and this might be my only opportunity because Canada just does not have the surgeons here that can deal with this disease and this rat race that we all go through is just to much. 

I can only hope that mentally once this is done that I can find peace within my soul and not suffer mentally like I have and to have closure with everything that has happened because of this debilitating disease.