Tuesday, June 7, 2016

2 Years Post Radical Hysterectomy

The last two years I can honestly say have been insane

I always thought that because I never really had huge side effects from Lupron like crazy hot flashes and joint pain things would have been different for me after my surgery. Even for the first month I felt like I had be saved from all that mess. I soon realized that was not the case and that I really feel that I literally went to hell and back. (This is not at all an exaggeration)

The best way for me to describe surgical menopause without any form of  HRT is like continuous torture of the mind, body and soul and losing hope that things will always and forever remain the way it is. I felt that things were at a stand still yet I felt at the same time things were going on continuously in fast forward speed. Every half hour I was completely taken over by hot flashes and I watched what I ate and drank in order to try to stop them but that really didn't make a difference. I felt like I wanted to scratch peoples faces off just for talking to me in a way that I took offence to. My body morphed into something similar to the Pillsbury dough boy with dark loose bags under each eye. There were days that I would look in the mirror and be in utter tears because I felt that I looked so much different.. ugly. fat and my self esteem took a huge nose dive. I could barely pull myself out of bed each morning, I stopped cooking, I stopped cleaning, and I stopped taking care of myself. I was just existing/surviving and not living. I will admit there were times I just wanted to end it all because I did not see this torture ending any time soon if ever....

I am still not sure how it happened but one day I just woke up and I didn't feel the same way physically and mentally. My mind was clear, the hot flashes were gone, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I would say the only thing that has not improved symptom wise is the overwhelming feeling of being tired and not having energy for anything....and bladder leakage ugh!

That being said I can look back now to where I came from at 13 yrs old and see where I am today with this disease and I can finally say that I am on the road to living... not existing but actually living. The quote  "You've seen my decent, now watch my rising" is truly perfect for me right now and where I am with my journey.

My mantra is "Still I rise" and I do just that.