Celebrating small victories & moving on

I felt it was time to post some small victories that have been taking place in my life. 

As most of you know I am almost hitting my 2 year post radical hysterectomy for Endometriosis and I haven't taken any HRT to date and I was a mess for most of this time period. (See prior update here)

As of today I am almost 100% drug free (sleeping pill being the last) and I have barely touched a glass of wine in over a month as well. I really feel accomplished and happy that I decided to come off all of it.  I decided to take the risk of dealing with the Fibromyalgia pain without medication and have been actively meditating since October 2015 to help cope with anxiety and major depression. 

I know everyone's journey is so different on all levels as well as how you feel post hysterectomy and I really feel for me that for some reason my body was allergic to my own hormones. Mentally they really messed me up including migraines for over 15 yrs, depression, anxiety, acne, up and down moods, and constant craving for carbs. I feel as though I have definitely improved in this area but it wasn't easy as I struggled for the last 2 yrs post op just trying to survive. It was a horrible ride and I really don't know if it is completely over but I am moving ahead with my life if it is or not. 

I have realized that Endometriosis controlled 15 yrs of my life due to delayed diagnoses and after my first surgery in 2007 it completely took hold of my every thought and move. I spent the last 4 yrs on-line everyday on various social media outlets as well as Medhelp 24/7 and I have come to the conclusion that if I continue to live my life this way I am actually going to miss life in general and I have come too far to let "THIS" be my life on earth.  

I let this disease control my life and I have decided that after the Endo March in Canada May 7th, I will no longer be as active about raising awareness online. I am going to keep up my blog because for me this is my outlet and some people want to hear from me but basically this is it (Maybe I will start a new one with fun things?). I can't keep draining my own soul in order to do for others and I have been running on empty now for the entire 4 yrs I have actively been raising awareness. 

I didn't come to this conclusion overnight it has been a long time coming. I love all the people I have met over the years and I love that there are so many more advocates out there now more than ever but it is time for me to step down and finally move on. I realized how permanent I need to make this because for the last 9 yrs I have not made a video for my daughter. I used to make them all the time. Her first time riding a bike, singing, parties, etc. I have totally not mentally been there for my own child and this is not okay. All she has known is Endometriosis and I don't want that to be what she remembers when I am gone. 

So I thank everyone who has made a difference in my journey, who has educated me, who has been there for me in the late/early hours when I wanted to give up and end it all. You all have helped make me into the person I am right now and I will take all this with me as I move onto the next chapter of my life...

Head in the clouds for the last 9 years

I feel compelled to speak about what I have been going through the last two years. Although many know I love my red wine almost no one knew my addiction to Oxycodone.

Since my first Endo surgery in 2007 I have lived on many different medications. I don't even remember what it is like to not be on any.

Chronic pain has plagued me since I was 10 years old along with severe TMJ, depression, anxiety and PTSD that followed.

I have been a guinea pig to doctors because they could not help me. Instead of them being open and honest with me, they shamed me and made me feel like my pain was not real and that just led to me to a darker place every time I had a doctors appointment.

To fast forward to how I got addicted to alcohol and opiates is not quite simple to explain. The wine came first that I know. At first it was a glass now and then, then I would drink a glass or two when I got home in order to cope being a single parent in pain. It then turned into a couple of bottles a week, then to a box of wine that would last less than a week. My desire to come home and have a glass was strong because it made me relax, escape as well as not focus on the pain I was in daily. Besides smoking wine has been my most difficult crutch to get rid of.

I suffer from Major depression so I am either low or suicidal low no matter what medication I am on it just doesn't seem to help and that is where the wine would come in to play more because I was just trying to cope with everything happening to me as well as around me.

In February 2014 I lost my job of 10 yrs which ripped me to pieces mentally. In May I had my radical hysterectomy which led to me being on a cathedar for 11 days because I could not urinate. In June the prozac I was taking for depression and anxiety sent me down a dark spiral turn to suicidal thoughts and I was so close on acting on it because I was having visions of slitting my wrists and cutting my entire body with a razor. I was taken off Prozac and was given Serequel to bring me down from the panicked state I was in which helped. Then August just 3 months after major surgery I woke up to excruciating pain down both of my arms. I had edema in both limbs and I could not bend my fingers or elbows and it lasted for 3 months.. I would take Oxycodone for my jaw in the winter when it got really bad but for the most part the drug itself made me more sick then it did help me. However when I lost feeling in my arms and the pain was so intense I was on 2-4 pills a day just to get through the day. I started a new job at the end of September while barely being able to even hold a pen. In October I separated from my then husband and was a single mother once again and in the state I was in, I really felt I was not fit to have my daughter but I was alone and suffering.

That my friends was only 2014....

In 2015 I had no other choice then to sell my town house that I loved and worked so hard for. I just could not afford to live there. I had some amazing friends that did come over and help me paint some rooms in order to list it. It sold quick and I moved into my new condo in May in which my mother had to co-sign for because I could not afford to even get an apartment for the salary I was making even though I put a lot of money down. It was humiliating and it made me feel just more and more inadequate as a human. I was given a anti anxiety med since my constant panic mode would not cease but I didn't feel like it was doing anything. For around 6 months I was switching back and forth with that med, the oxy and wine along with my sleeping pills and muscle relaxer for my jaw. I had multiple oxy black outs but at the time I didn't realize that was what they were called. I just could not cope at all and needed to have a breakdown but that just could not happen because I financially could not do it. I don't even remember most of last year because suicide was on my mind for most of it. In May I started to also develop burning mouth syndrome which I continue to have a problem with still and I really don't know if it is the wine, oxy, cymbalta or menopause that has caused it. Sept 1st I was awaken out of my sleep by my neighbour telling me that my balcony was on fire. The HVAC unit overheated and destroyed all the stuff on my balcony as well as my HVAC unit. It took up until recently for them to even repair the basic things so my head was spinning fighting back and forth with the condo corporation. From October to December I really started to get into meditation and really focusing on just positive vibes, leaving those that complained all the time, or asked too much of me blocked and out of my life. I also started EMDR therapy to deal with the PTSD and to learn better coping mechanisms. Well that totally made things worse even though I started to see things differently so the abuse of oxy and wine just continued to happen.

That was 2015...

Here I am now in 2016 determined to cope in healthy ways and stay clear of any medication. My goal is to come down to 30mg of the cymbalta by end of March and off it completely by June. I know this is going to be so much harder to do because I have come off it years ago and it takes a good 2 weeks to come out of your body and I worked through it the last time, this time no way. My next goal will to be to come off the flexeril about a month after coming off cymbalta. The reason for that is the cymbalta has made me increase the flexeril because it causes me to clench and grind so much so it has been helpful and is not addictive to me. The last thing I come off of will be the sleeping pill I have been on for 3 yrs. That will be a tough one and I am in no hurry to come off it has I have suffered from insomnia since I was 15 and it wasn't until 3 years ago that I finally knew what it felt like to actually sleep a full 8 hours not just an hour or two.

2016 for me is a year for growth spiritually and I know it is going to be a hard year but I believe that I have the strength to get through it considering all that I have been through. I have not yet had a bone scan so that will be what I plan to do as well as I have not taken any HRT since my hysterectomy and I don't plan to.

I share this information out there because I know there are many going through this same type of medication cycle and it is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I am here to tell you that you can and I believe in you and I know it is hard. I still struggle so much but when I look down at my wrist I remember always that this is not the end of my story. This is not how my life will end.

Menopause & Heart Disease

It is a well known fact that women who have surgical menopause are at a higher risk in developing heart disease. 

Almost everyone on my dad's side have/had heart disease so yes this is something that concerns me greatly because I used to smoke and only quit two months ago (still better than nothing for sure), I lost all feeling in my arms for 3 months and the testing was too late to say what caused it. I still don't feel right since that happened and I am fearing that it's signs of a stroke or heart attack. My upper body feels inflamed, that is the best way I can explain what it feels like. I have never felt this before so I am not sure if it is from surgical menopause or my arteries. It is a truly scary thing to go through. I never thought of this before my hysterectomy to be quiet honest. I understood it put me at greater risk for cardiovascular disease, early dementia and mental health issues but for some reason I didn't even think it would happen to me.

I can't say 100% at this moment if my hysterectomy was right for me because I really am unsure of what is going on but as an advocate and a warrior I will continue to update any changes to help others in the future. 

Has anyone felt what I am feeling at the moment?