Mentally going out of my mind. #retailtherapy #vacation

There are times in your life where you have these ups and downs where the downs are so dark you don't think that you will ever escape the darkness and suicidal thoughts creep in. This has been an ongoing battle for me since I was 15. Different medications for Fibro, Endo and TMJ haven't helped when it comes to those thoughts and feelings of despair.

I always feel like I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off with no space to breath, no down time and no time just for me period. I am the person who takes care of everyone, the person that supports everyone and its difficult for me to just sit down and relax its just impossible for me because I get antsy in no time.

I reached an all time low just recently and thank God I pulled myself together, went to get a hair cut, pedicure and take in a movie. I also spent money on clothes just for me because it has been so long since I took care of myself. I forced myself to play a game with my daughter as well as play out in the snow as she needs time with her mother and one on one time is hard for me to do not because of all my chronic illnesses but because I have forgotten how to be a child and have fun. I am so serious all the time and I need to change that and I plan to this year for my daughter.

I am trying to raise money to get surgery done in Georgia and that could take a very long time however I also feel guilty asking for money when I am going to save as well to go to Jamaica. For me I need sun therapy. I need time for me and time to do nothing and relax and that is a place where I plan to do it this year. Could be in the next couple of months or even near the end of the year all I know is that I need this trip now and I wish I had the money to go on a plane as we speak but I don't. My husband works seasonal so not much money is being brought in, however I have the money to go and sometimes I get so frustrated that I am always the one that seems to have worked so hard to be able to do this but I can't afford to pay for him too and I am being held back instead of making this a good time it causes more stress on me.

I need to get away from everything in order to free my mind. I think its important for everyone. I am not much of a flyer however I will do anything for an all inclusive trip to a hot resort.

I will tell you right now I am saving every penny I have to go on this trip I need it like nobody's business!!! LOL.. Look at the picture below.... can you see me on one of those chairs??? LOL