Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Battle With Food

As long as I can remember I have had a love hate relationship with food. As a baby I would vomit everything up or I could feel it coming back up all the time with certain foods. I ended up with an emergency laparotomy at age 7 for intestinal volvulus, my small intestine started to grow inside the large one taking out my appendix was the only option along with a bowel resection.

When I was 15 I developed an eating disorder. I wouldn't say this phase lasted long (anorexia) but I know when I was getting my period the pain was so bad for at least 10 days I didn't/couldn't eat. I was around 110 lbs most of my teenage years. People would always comment on how skinny I was and I would just stop eating just like that. I never thought about it to be honest until later when Endo started to effect my bowels. The rectal pain was so bad I could not stand it. I started to hate food because food meant rectal pain. I had so many tests done and they could find nothing.

I started to gain weight during my pregnancy. At that time I was 23 yrs old and I had only eaten once a day before this so I started to eat more because I had to for my baby. Well I gained 75 lbs. It wasn't something I was aiming to do of course but I was already battling with Fibromyalgia and was in an abusive relationship so food is what I turned to.

By the time my daughter was 2 or 3 I had gone full out Binging and purging every single day.

During this time I was so sick with Endo but had not be diagnosed, I was nauseated all the time, I had migraines that would last well over 48 hours with the longest being 100+. I felt so sick and the pelvic pain was way to much to bare. During this time I did a colon cleanse as nothing seemed to work at all for the bloating and the bowel/rectal pain this was almost like it was something that was meant to happen because if I had not done that cleanse and suffered so much pain that the 10 cm Endometrioma would never have been caught.

I did find out I had stage IV Endo in 2007, deeply infiltrating, Rectovaginal cyst, Sigmoid colon Mensentric cyst which is rare. My insides were glued together and I had kissing ovaries. I had a PSN (Presacral Neurectomy) done at the same time and the one main side effect? constipation. YAY!

So for me I have never known what it is like to eat without pain because I always have it.

Since that surgery I have had so many complications and have been addicted to enemas for the last 4 yrs. I can't stop. They make me feel better when I am bloated or can't go it is just something I do. I hate myself for it because at first it was because of the pain now its both and now I don't want to stop. Nothing will ever stop the bowel pain I get. No surgery, nothing. My bowels from day one have not liked me. Endo sure as hell didn't help with that.

I was diagnosed with a Wheat, Dairy and Spelt intolerance and I know these effect my bowels a lot but when you are bulimic and you are on all these meds that make you want to eat anything and everything there is no way to stop yourself. I feel like I want nothing but whats bad for me and when I try to eat healthier things I start gagging literally. I am sure its because I have been on and off so many diets to help the endo and the though of some foods like lettuce makes me want to be sick. I will force myself to eat it but I do not like it at all. It is not like I don't like healthy food, but for me stress, endo and meds trigger such bad things and I feel like there is no control whatsoever on my part, I just can't stop.

I am 36 yrs old with an eating disorder that shows no chance of ever stopping. I have lived this cycle for so long that I wonder why I was chosen to suffer so greatly from birth. Why is my body so fucked up? Every inch of my body there is one problem or another and I want to scream my face off.

Well I haven't posted in a while and I will call today Confession Thursday lol.

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