Thursday, December 12, 2013
Lost in my own world. #Depression #Chronicpain
It always seems that around this time of year I fall into a depression so deep that it is so hard to get out. It could be SAD but I know I struggle through out the entire year. I think in the summer I am more occupied and my mind does not sit idle but I do not like winter/cold at all so I am inside most of the time so I guess that is why it seems to be worse around the last 3 months of the year.
I have really learned to cope with Depression when I feel it coming on throughout the year, I trick my mind which took a very long time to learn and I wish I had learned how to do it sooner. As soon as I feel depressed I started tweeting funny pictures to help other people in their struggles then in turn it helps me not focus on what is happening in my own mind.
The last month I have gotten so deep that I am afraid but I do not want to take medications, they just don't work for me and I have tried many.
My eating disorder has gotten so out of hand but it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It stops me from thinking and it stops the pain from Endometriosis. Nothing makes me happy and I have always felt that way. If I become happy about something, something bad happens. I know that sounds just so ridiculous but that is how it has been in my life. I wish that I could find some joy but it is like I was not born with it. I have to really force myself to be happy and it helps but deep inside I just feel lost in my own world. I don't get close to people and I like to be by myself. I do like my own company a lot, maybe too much?
I am not much to go out and socialize and when plans get cancelled deep inside I am happy.
I have lived with Chronic pain as long as I can remember. I have known nothing but pain, physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally. Life sucks yet I am afraid to die. I just want to live with out pain and mental illness. I really don't know what came first but I always remember not really being happy or content with anything. How fair is that for someone to live like this? Depression you can't just snap out no matter how hard you try. I am convinced that I am wired completely different than other people. I am not normal but I guess, what is normal? No one is I suppose.
It has been hard even being a parent to my daughter. I know there are Endosisters out that that can't conceive and it kills me that I did and that I can't cope. I have no idea how I even made it this far being a mother because mentally and physically I can barely manage to get out of bed and my mind is all over the place all the time. If my daughter ends up with Endometriosis or any form of Chronic illness I don't know what I would do. I literally don't think I would be able to manage the both of us.
I am hoping that in 2014 I will be free from all of this, but I have to accept reality that this is who I am and I need to accept this is person I will be for the rest of my life. I can't seem to want to accept that, as there is always a fire and hope that one day the pain will end. I have clung to that hope for 23 yrs and I can't see me doing this another 23.