Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Motherhood with Endometriosis

Infertility and Endometriosis is something that is talked about a lot these days and so it should be. It is something that is now getting more recognition in the last couple of years due to so much awareness from those that are infertile and those that are still struggling to conceive. Many of the women I have talked to and/or know that are going through this I truly empathize with.  

I really do wish my blog had more to do with infertility but I write from experience and for me after I had my daughter which I believe to this day is a miracle I never tried to have any more because the pain and suffering I went through with her alone was more than I could bear. 

During the first years of my daughters life (not diagnosed still at this time) I honestly thought I was losing my mind and the bowel pain I was going through was only getting worse. One night I actually saw demons that now I can describe as dementors (Harry Potter) I was literally losing it and I was yelling at my daughter and could not get any sleep as she was a very high maintenance baby and I was a single mother with no support in the early years. 

I had a dream that my daughter was hanging out the window and was calling for me and I just let her hand go... I watched her fall and I felt a huge sense of relief.. then I realized "what the hell did I just do?" and ran down to get her.. In my dream when I got there she just looked at me with this look of fear... of me... 

Around the time she was 3 years old I decided that I couldn't take much more after watching a program on Rogers TV about Post-partum depression and although she was 3 I really felt that I had that. Once I talked to the doctor in the ER he told me I just needed sleep and gave me sleeping pills. What if I wanted to kill myself? 

Around this time was when the 10cm complex cyst was found on my left ovary. I had been given marvelon (BCP) to deal with it and within a week it was night and day. I can't even explain the difference it made for me mentally. It was like I had a renewed life and I felt happier, I wasn't depressed and felt totally different with my daughter. 

So that being said most of my child's life (she is 12 now) has been filled with pain from Endometriosis, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. It has been a constant battle to be a parent. There are times when I wish I never had a child and wish I could run away. I want to tell people with Endo not to have children but that wouldn't be right because my circumstances are much different than others. 

Being a parent with Endometriosis has been a life of saying I am sorry for being tired, I am sorry I need to lie down, sorry not today, sorry I can't play today, sorry you know how mommy's tummy hurts, sorry I wish I could do more.... you get the point right? I feel like I have been a horrible mother but I know that isn't the case. I just wish I could do a do over and not have Endometriosis and do all the things I always wanted to do with my daughter. 

As the days go by my daughter has become more self sufficient and it has made it easier on me because she can take care of herself, but it doesn't take away the guilt of not being able to give 110% to her. 

This disease has had it's challenges and looking back on it all and looking at my daughter I realize that I did a good job under all the circumstances. She talks about Endo to people and she empathizes when I am in pain and wants to help me. She believes me when I say I am in pain... I really think she was the first one to actually believe the pain of this disease before anyone else because she had to live with me every single day and see everything I did just to survive and I am still unsure if that is a good or bad thing at this time. I suppose time will only tell.  

I can say one thing for sure... I wouldn't be who I am without her or Endometriosis. 

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