Here I am finally posting for what seems like forever because of what has happened to me in the last week or so, but I thought that I should write because I want to update you all on recent things happening since my hysterectomy.
For those of you who read my blog regularly or interact with me over social media know a lot about what I have been through, but this one particular set back is something that I recently had an epiphany on. I have always had depression but I only found out about a couple of years that I have had major depression disorder since I was 17 and I found this out when I asked for my health records. Not one doctor ever told me this and this information would have saved me much heart ache because for years I thought I was going mentally insane.
I was diagnosed with Complex-PTSD (which my therapist said is like Chinese water torture) early this year and at first I was not really understanding how it could really effect me and was looking for other answers because I felt that it couldn't just be that because I was losing my mind and I knew that something was wrong....really wrong. I suggested Bipolar and Aspergers multiple times out of desperation to my doctor but no one ever seemed to listen or they told me not to look for "Labels" as if I wanted to be mentally ill.
I noticed that I started to decline mentally and physically around 3 years ago. I chalked it up to my job and the bullying and abuse that took place as well as my health which was rapidly declining not to mention I lost my job of 10 years. I thought that once my surgery was over things would be a little better and don't get me wrong I am. The physical part I feel 80% better at this time in my recovery and just deal with the bowel pain and urinary at a lesser pain scale than before. The mental part? Holy crap!
The craziness started to get really bad in January of this year, to the point that I felt that I was outside of my body and I was sick every single day either with nausea, Endo pain, Fibro pain and mentally feeling like I checked out of reality. Weird things started to happen around May before my surgery. I remember holding a wine glass and I didn't know I was squeezing so hard but I shatter the glass in my hand because I was so tense. I also noticed me squeezing the steering wheel so tight as well and thinking that I was losing control. I could no longer think straight, I had visions of slashing my wrists, opening a bottle of wine and drinking it from the bottle at my daughters summer camp. The visions were so real and so vivid they were scary.
I checked into the hospital because I tried over and over again to call my therapist over a 2 weeks span but nothing. No return call, no appointment so I had no other choice. I told them I needed to be locked up because I might hurt myself and I can't predict the outcome of what I was feeling and thinking. He took what I said seriously and I was put on Seroquel and slowly started to come off the Prozac.
The med I was given helped dramatically but I was still feeling like I was in some manic anxiety state along with being disassociated and that I just could not get out of of that cycle. Recently I googled "Complex PTSD" and I think it was "untreated" and I came across this site http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm
There was so much information on here that I realized that not only was the bullying in the workplace part of the complex PTSD but that I was having a stress breakdown which happens when PTSD is left untreated.
So if I look back on my life there was early childhood abuse all males, Domestic abuse (all males) workplace abuse (All males and one female) and 14 years of medical trauma that I was put through. Throw in a job loss and a radical hysterectomy and this is where I am at. It is insane yet I do see the light. I see everything so clearly now. I really don't think my hormones really have a lot to do with what I am feeling like because I truly believe that its the CPTSD. I fear men, controlling people, abusive people, manipulative people, angry people etc. I live in constant fight/flight mode because I have to protect myself and only I can do that.
My relationship with my husband has been rocky to say the least but I realize now that it is because I don't trust him. I have major triggers with him because he gets angry and raises his voice.. which is actually rare, it startles me and I start to panic. Same with doctors appointments. I just don't want to see another doctor again, I have no trust in them whatsoever esp male doctors. I am so over traumatized by abuse and neglect that I have built this wall around me that no one can enter. I don't want anyone in. Sad I know.
I feel confused because there are times that I feel my husband is toxic for me or he is what I need to get over this and move on with my life. He is patient, kind, caring and understand and he never pushes me to do something I don't want to do. I have been able to express myself when it comes to control and boundaries in a way I have never been able to do before and I think that might be why I am mentally checking out. The stress of even talking or thinking about everything that has happened to me is bringing me to a breakdown.
I guess the one thing I am happy about is that I am not working so I can recover but it doesn't stop the stress of not having a job especially in this economy.
I think I have hit the fork in the road where sunnier happier times are ahead for me. I have never seen it so clear but I am afraid its just my mind hoping for something better to happen.
I know this isn't just about Endometriosis and my life is different than most but there has to be some link to complex PTSD and lack of medical intervention and diagnoses.
What do you think? Have you been diagnosed with something that you feel is directly related to Endo?