Well as my surgery approaches I have reached a point of anxiety that I didn't think would happen. I had quit smoking for a month, Stopped drinking as much wine and started to eat healthy. Maybe this is the cycle behaviour for me and I like to torture myself or maybe it has to do with my insides all being removed and although I don't want any more children I feel a pain about never having one again.
I know when I had my daughter I was right out of it mentally because of the Endo and being a single mother. I found that I was so stressed out and it didn't help with having my daughter during SARS, and being alone in the hospital knowing that I did not want to go home to be with her father. I was a wreck.
Many people told me now that I was married that I should think about it but I was dead set against it. I had been through so much in the 7 yrs as a single mother there was no way in hell I would want to go through that again no matter what. I love my husband but right from the beginning I told him I was having no more children. I told him that if he wanted to leave because of that I was fine with it but not to come back to me later saying he regretted marrying me because of this. So far he has no problems but I think I do. I wanted more children but I didn't want to go through this any more. I had been through all that I could handle and it is hard for me to be a mother of my own child I can't see me doing it again. I just can't.
That is what made my hysterectomy the way to go for me. I want closure. I am done. I don't want to suffer another day with this disease and knowing what is happening inside and I can't do anything about it. Not to mention we don't have surgeons here in Canada that can excise Endo and for me this is the only chance I have to get it done right and hopefully never think about this disease again.
I know what people are thinking.... Endo can grow back even if you have a hysterectomy.. And I am aware of that 100% but I truly feel for me it will be different. I had minimal Endo grow back so my concern isn't the Endo it is the scar tissue, bowel and bladder problems. Nothing seems to want to fix that. I am on new bladder meds that help some but not totally and for the bowels I take Lax-A-Day everyday almost so it doesn't cause as much pain.
So at this point 3 days before surgery what did I decide to do.... smoke, drink lots of red wine to try to stop the anxiety from getting so bad that I can't cope. I want this and need this but I wish that I could handle my stress way better than I do. When I am up I am up, when I am down I am down. this disease really has stolen my life but sometimes I wish I was never diagnosed and I never went to any doctors period. I feel I wouldn't have suffered so much if I had let it go. So dumb to think of right now because I know I was in so much pain.. If I think of the time I almost passed out on the floor of Party packagers during my shift because of pain inside the bathroom I am reminded that no one should have to go through this bullshit, no one.