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Monday, September 30, 2013

Why am I so fixated on this disease-Endometriosis?


As long as I can remember I have been in pain. I am really not sure anymore what came first, the mental anguish and depression or the Chronic Pain. Sometimes I believe the pain did me in first then sometimes I believe the depression caused the pain. 

Everyday I wake up the disease seems to take a hold of me. I wake up like a truck hit me. I don't even remember what it is like not to feel tired. I am so tired half of the time I want to cry but I can't I have to get up and get going. I am the bread winner it is my job to make sure all is in order. I can't crumble or fall it is just not in my cards, even when my body is telling me it can't take it anymore. 

I had an amazing surgeon excise my Endo out in 2007, he was and possibly is one of the best in Ontario let alone Canada however since he has moved to a teaching hospital his attitude has changed. He always lacked the bedside manner but now he is just more of a jerk when I had to see him face to face.

I no longer feel the pain of Endo because I am one of the lucky ones that the BCP that I take continuously actually helps me, not just for Endo but for mood, acne, hormonal balancing etc. It has been a lifesaver to me. I think the surgery was the most important and because he got 90% of it I clearly live in less pain than others. 

Then why in Gods green earth do I still think about it obsessively? Why can I not let go of this and move on with my life? I volunteer my time for others to help get the thoughts out of my mind. Some times I feel as though I have PTSD from this disease taking so long to be diagnosed and how I was treated mentally did a number on me. I find myself researching and taking in any kind of information I can about Endometriosis and I can't stop. I am obsessed. 

The damage done to my ureters, bladder and bowels are irreversible and it really doesn't matter what I research I will never be the person I once was. I feel like this disease owns me. Almost like its wrapped itself around me tight so that I can't run away and live my life. I feel trapped. 

I wish I was never burdened with this disease and other co-morbid disease but I have been. Sometimes it makes me really depressed and other times I have to tell myself to stop thinking about it so much and to move on.   

Is it really possible to move on once you have been ripped to pieces by this disease? It has stolen my quality of life and I now just exist. I want to scream at people all the time because they just don't understand what I have been through. I did it alone. For 23 yrs I did it ALONE. I still do it alone. In fact I now want to do it alone because when people make comments about the disease it makes my blood boil. When I try to explain it I can tell they are not even listening. 

I want to stop thinking about Endometriosis, but its impossible. As long as I have ovaries, tubes, a uterus, cervix, hormones, and medication I will always be this person that will never be able to escape the pain and suffering of this disease, not just physically but mentally. It has robbed me of all joy and happiness. 

This disease really does suck, but I still refuse to stop advocating and voicing my opinion because in the end it will be people like me and all the other girls that suffer with this to put our foot down and say enough is enough already. 

I truly am excited about the Million Women March coming up with fellow Endosisters. It is going to be amazing and we will be heard I can guarantee that. 

Who will be going to the March? 


2 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you are struggling. Considering going to the march if I can gather up the money to do so. Are you going?

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  2. You are my first poster!!! Thank you :)

    Thank you so much. It has been a long battle and some days are good and some are just bad.

    I am going to the march. From what I hear is that it will be happening all over the world. Each city that has an active association like for example we have one in Toronto so that is where I will be going, I am trying to figure out how we will be notified but still have time for all the details. Won't know more until its closer to the date. Do you live close to the main March? Or is it a distance from you?

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